Listen up, lovers! Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, but if you planned on picking up the standard wine and roses as a gift for your partner and calling it a day this year, you’d better think again.
February 14th is getting freaky, and I don’t mean in a BDSM kinda’ way. Just when you thought that White Castle had cornered the market on weird AF Valentine’s Day offerings (last year’s annual sit-down dinner boasted a menu of Sliders, Shrimp Nibblers and Strawberry and Cream Waffles, and reservations are going fast, people!), companies like Heinz, Chik-fil-A and Grillo’s Pickles have begun throwing their hats into the ring with even more head-scratching options.
Evidently, love in the year 2019 is less about jewelry, chocolates and flowers and more about ketchup, chicken nuggets and jerky. Who knew?
Scroll through to discover a few more, ahem, modern ways to woo your boo.
1. Beef Jerky Bouquet ($49 to $67): Screw flowers: The Manly Man Company (yes, this is an actual business name) is offering up a meaty alternative to roses with a lovely arrangement of flower-shaped jerky. Choose from arrangements of a dozen ($67) or a half-dozen ($49) sticks that feature stems of beef, pork and spices and “flowers” that are all beef. Sadly, they’re currently on back-order, so your hunny will have to wait a while to indulge, but depending on how you store them, they’ll probably last a heck of a lot longer than any traditional blooms would have. Delicious AND economical, eh?
2. Jack Links Valentine’s Day to My Best Friend ($8): Apparently, jerky is a hot-ticket item this Valentine’s Day: In addition to the aforementioned meat-stick bouquets, I also spotted this horrifying little gem on a recent Target run — something about this Harry Henderson from hell just screamed, “LOOK AT ME!” As it turns out, there’s even more to this this fur-covered box than “meats” the eye: It’s packed with a little bag of full of processed meat. Hell, if that doesn’t scream “romance,” I just don’t know what does!
Pickle bouquets are the best thing to happen to Valentine’s Day since chocolate https://t.co/MdFixH0CI4
— TODAY (@TODAYshow) January 30, 2019
3. DIY Pickle Bouquet: For the vegetarians among us, Grillo’s Pickles has a meatless alternative in the floral department, and it’s one that’s sure to make your date’s mouth water (literally). Enter the pickle bouquet! While it’s only available for purchase in Boston (womp, womp), you can make of these bad boys with the easy, step-by-step instructions provided by the company. All you’ll need are some spears (dill, hot and whole, to be precise), chips (dill, bread & butter and hot), wooden skewers and a vase, and boom! You’ve got yourself a covet-worthy bouquet. Oh, and love. Lots and lots of love.
4. Name Your Ex After a Cockroach ($2): OK, OK, so this one’s less for your significant other and more for you and your friends, but it’s definitely still bizarre enough to note. For the rough equivalent of $1.96 in British Euros, you can name a cockroach after the human pest that is your ex. What’s more, his or her moniker will be displayed for all to see on the roach board at the Hemsley Consevation Centre, so everyone in London will know what a disgusting lowlife they are. Ain’t love grand?
In all seriousness, though, you will at least be helping the animals: Funds raised from the roaches will be allocated to various projects for the European zoo.
5. Dunkin Donuts Wedding: If you really want to impress your sweetheart this year, you could always opt to tie the knot … Dunkin’ Donuts style (or, for those of you that actually give a sh*t about the company’s recent name change, just Dunkin’ — I personally will be adding this one to a growing list of changes I’m stubbornly resisting, which also includes the Sears Tower and John Hancock building). For one day only, on February 9, you can exchange vows at Sure Thing Chapel with a doughnut-themed wedding extravaganza. Everything, from the décor and “bling” to the bridal bouquet and the pink-haired officiant — will incorporate a touch of doughnutty goodness. Talk about a sweet ceremony!
6. Chik-fil-A Nugget Tray ($17.69+): Chocolates, schmocolates: The geniuses at Chik-fil-A have cooked up something extra special this Valentine’s Day that’s sure to make your man or woman swoon. Available through the end of the month (or while supplies last, which, if you’ve ever seen the line at Chik-fil-A, you know won’t be long), the company is offering up a heart-shaped tin that’s stocked with 30 deliciously deep-fried nuggets. Just think! A romantic meal for two for just $17.69? True love DOES exist.
America’s favorite ketchup presents America’s favorite caviar. Reply with #HeinzKetchupCaviar and #Sweeps for the chance to get your hands on one of 150 jars this Valen-HEINZ day. No purchase necessary. Rules linked in bio. pic.twitter.com/aa8NNebVk1
— Heinz Ketchup (@HeinzKetchup_US) January 24, 2019
7. Heinz Ketchup Caviar: Heinz really stepped things up this year in the romance department, transforming its old ketchupy standby into something much … fancier. 150 lucky sweepstakes winners snagged limited-edition jars of ketchup caviar — yes, really! — to present to their ride or dies just in time for V-Day, which means that instead of squirting their burgers and fries with messy streams of sauce come February 14, they’ll be able to smear tiny pearls of ketchup onto their grub. Uh, aphrodisiac much?
8. Firebox Beard Bouquet Clips ($15): Remember those Christmas beards I told you about over the holidays? Welp, they live on to survive another season: Say hello to the Valentine’s Day beard. Consisting of nine rose-shaped clips that clip into your man’s facial hair, this bouquet is one that a) won’t die, b) can be reused next Valentine’s Day and c, is budget-friendly: $15 nets you the whole pack!
Which of these uber-romantic finds are you most excited to gift bae with? Tell me in the comments below.
Xo, Nicole
